Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
