Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
