Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
