So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
