my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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