Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
