At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
