Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
