for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
