I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
