we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
