Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
