True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
