i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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