I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
