Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
