Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
