I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
