i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
