Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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