My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
