PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
its liver damage thursday
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
