As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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