I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
