wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
