I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
