you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
