not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
