Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
