i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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