I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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