Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
