You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
