She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
