the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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