Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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