Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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