My cat gives me a boner
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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