How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
