hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
