a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
