We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
