I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
