I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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