A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
