I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
