my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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