guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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