I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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