4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
